I'm at the stage where I don't want to have friends anymore.

Now, before you say anything, read on.

I'm at the stage where I'm tired of superficial relations. I'm at the stage where I'm tired of keeping up of keep up an act. I'm at the stage where I'm done trying to please people. I'm at the stage where I'm tired of trying to keep the friendship going. I'm at the stage where I'm tired of being afraid of losing someone who never considered me to be anything important in the first place.

Yes, I understand, life never stops, everyone has their own life. I can't expect the person to be talking to me 24/7 or something but a sometimes it feels like they have time for everyone else but me. It feels like I'm just that extra friend they don't need, that extra friend that they can do away with anytime.

I'm not sure when I started thinking this way, I thought this year was going great. I'm not sure why did it suddenly hit me, I'm not sure why I'm falling back to it, I'm not sure why tears are even streaming down my face talking about all this.

Looking around me, at all the people wearing a mask, whose actually real to me? I can't tell anymore. Are they just being nice to me or do they truly treat me as someone important? When did I start being so skeptical of everyone? Wasn't I doing just fine earlier this year?

Maybe things are starting to accumulate on me as I start thinking back, maybe my thoughts are stacking and the burden is too much for me to take. So busy thinking of others, that I forgot about myself.

Maybe, I'm not at the stage where I don't want to have friends anymore. Maybe I'm at the stage that I don't want anyone to leave me anymore.

In the end, to how many of you am I really important to? To how many people was I important enough of a friend to  have actually read all the way till this sentence...?



It's been almost a year since I've posted here. In a year, many things have happened and soon, this year too will come to an end.

Everything seems to be moving so fast I can barely keep up.

Especially this pass two month, I've been experiencing so many things.

Stressed. Happy. Excited. Sad. Angry. Above them all? Disappointment.

But, somehow, I'm learning to smile after it.

I'm learning that we can't always expect things to go our way and in everything, there will always be disappointment.

I'm learning that placing my hopes in other people will almost, always lead me to disappointment.

But, it doesn't matter. As long as you learn from it and continue smiling. Failure is nothing but a chance to learn and a stepping stone towards success. So I will continue to work hard.

I won't stop till I achieve my goal. I won't stop till I show those who criticize me that I can and I will achieve my dreams. I won't let anyone stop me. Give me a thousand haters, it won't matter as long as that few people are rooting for me.

Because at the end of it all, I will always smile.

Le OOTD! 

Overall, enjoyed myself a lot today! Sorry for the past few days, babe. I love you a lot and really enjoyed today! Can't wait for our KL/Malacca trip soon! o3o

Hey.

Where is this heading.

It feels like my past all over again.

It feels like I'm heading in that direction but worse.

I honestly want to believe it won't be but there are so many things about this I can't handle, so many things driving me crazy and bit by bit I'm falling apart so far I can't keep myself together.

I used to be stronger that this but maybe too many heartbreaks make me more weak to this kind of stuff. I'm really not capable of keeping myself together, I'm really not capable of hiding all my insecurities.

I have done my fair share of crying, but even though I'm not crying as heavily now, it feels the worse. I can't take another heartbreak, I've said that countless times but it seems I'm heading for that path now. You might be strong enough to go through all of this but I'm not, I'm horribly weak. I really want to put all this behind and just leave my heart in pieces. I really want to put all this behind and just never find love again because love hurts so bad, I'm so done. Yet, I can't imagine my future without you.

I'm so tired, so tired... I can't take it any more, I'm going crazy again.
You feel tired, scared, insecure, suspicious of it all. On days like this, you just feel like running away, in hopes that when you wake up the next morning, it will all be over. But your feelings are still there, and you can't get rid of them.

Scared of being inferior, don't we all have those days? But when those days come by so consistently, you feel yourself falling apart. You feel like you don't mean anything. You feel like there's no meaning to this. You feel like your emotions will eventually kill you. When everyday you can't keep that truthful smile up on your face for long.

I feel like I might fall apart soon, but I still keep this emotions to myself.

And I thought 2013 would be the most happening year of my life, 2014 proved me wrong. So many thoughts running through my mind now on this rainy Sunday afternoon.

Man, this days I get exhausted so easily.

Maybe it's cause too many things are happening and I can barely keep up. Other then that, I don't want to stay home either. A home is supposed to be somewhere where I will feel safe but that's not the case now. I fear my own home the most, and with valid reasoning. How badly I just want to break out of this place and live on my own but, I can't...

While a lot of shit has been happening, 2014 is really starting to look like the happiest year ever for me in many aspects.

24/02/2014, that's the day I "reunited" with my beloved Ah Ma Wei Song! ^w^ ♥

Prior to that date, I think we didn't talk for about 1 year 2 months already. Honestly, it's hell not talking to him. Many times I see him in school and it's just... weird and upsetting walking past each other as strangers. He has always been there for me, especially when I was with that jerk boyfriend from 2012. I'm so glad that I managed to gather the courage to talk to him again. Let's promise that nothing will break this SN|AM relationship, alright? You are the one person I can't bear to lose, the one whose always there for me and there's just no end to the amount of thank you(s) I owe you. I sincerely pray with all my heart you will find the happiness that belongs to you soon. I will always be there for you, like how you are for me! My dearest Ah Ma in this entire world! ♥

It doesn't take a fool to see how obsessed I was with my ex, how desperate I was to get him back. No matter how hard they tried, no one could convince me to move on, not even myself.

But the appearance of a certain someone helped.

Hi, LJK. If you read this. HAHA. Honestly thought I would NEVER fall for you, given how like, desperate I was to get back with that other guy. I still can't figure out why you are the one person who can bring peace to my heart, even if I didn't liked you at that time. Maybe it's cause someone who is in the same position as you is able to relate better? Man, I don't know.

To be honest, sometimes I feel really insecure, because of the things I know about you but whenever I'm with you, I tend to forget.

However, the fear is still there. After 2 heartbreaks, I don't know if my heart can take another. The last one nearly killed me. It's not that I don't want to trust you but I really can't afford to get hurt again. But slowly, I feel the walls I have built up being destroyed because I just can't keep away from you. So, please don't disappoint me... because I keep falling for you and at this rate if you will leave it will be worse then the last.

Aside from this 2 events, there's also the new team I'm in, iSg.Flair. Honestly speaking, the direction we are heading in seems very blurry now. But, I love my team, everyone in it is awesome in their own unique way. I've been making a lot of new friends in League as well.

Right now, the future seems bright. Let's hope it remains that way. Finally, an end to my dark days.
Facing reality is the hardest thing to do but, it's time to stop lying to myself. It's impossible now.

Maybe something will happen in the future, who knows? The next time I have to see you will be in about a month's time. Breaking off contact with you completely, I wonder, did I really have to do that? Because it kills me so bad but, that's the only way I can let go of you completely.

That's the only way I can force my feelings away and for now, let's just be nothing, not even friends, because I can't afford to lie to myself any longer.

I will still pray for your happiness everyday. Remember to eat your meals regularly, change your contacts least you get infection again, I hope no more problems come to you and do your best in... whatever.

Before I face you again, I want to take this time to repair myself.

I still love you a lot, more then anything in this world.